He concluded by stating that, for the truth of everything, he could appeal to Colonel Fitzwilliam, who, from their near relationship and constant intimacy, and still more as one of the executors of his father’s will, had been unavoidably acquainted with every particular. If her abhorrence of himself should make his assertions valueless, she could not be prevented by the same cause from confiding in his cousin; and that there might be the possibility of consulting him, he should endeavour to find some opportunity of putting the letter in her hands in the course of the morning. He would only add, God bless her.
“Fitzwilliam Darcy.”
With that, the letter ended; and as Elizabeth walked slowly back to the Parsonage, the entire weight of all that she had read began to settle upon her mind.
CHAPTER XXXVI.
Elizabeth did not expect Darcy’s letter to renew his addresses, but she devoured it with feverish intensity. Astonished that he believed any apology lay in his power, she began with a strong prejudice, reading so eagerly she could scarcely comprehend the sense. His belief in Jane’s insensibility she judged false; his objections to the match made her too angry to do him justice; his style was haughty, not penitent—pride and insolence throughout.
But when the subject shifted to Wickham—a relation that, if true, must overthrow every cherished opinion and bore an alarming affinity to his own history—her feelings became yet more painfully confused. Astonishment, apprehension, and horror oppressed her. She repeatedly exclaimed “This must be false!” Yet she could not leave the letter alone; within half a minute it was unfolded again. Gathering herself, she examined every sentence concerning Wickham. His account of the Pemberley connection matched what he had told her; the late Mr. Darcy’s kindness agreed with his words; but regarding the will, the difference was great. The living and the sum of three thousand pounds forced her to hesitate. Weighing every circumstance with what she meant to be impartiality, she reached little conclusion. Darcy’s charge of extravagance and profligacy shocked her, as she could bring no proof of its injustice; no recollection of goodness or integrity rescued him, only charm of air and address and the general approbation of the neighbourhood.
From Wickham her thoughts ran to Jane and Bingley. Re-reading Darcy’s explanation, she found it impossible to deny credit to assertions she had been obliged to credit in the other. His claim of being unsuspicious of Jane’s attachment matched Charlotte’s opinion; she could not deny the justice of his description of Jane, whose fervent feelings were little displayed. Of neither Darcy nor Wickham could she now think without feeling blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd.
When she came to the passage in which her family were mentioned, in tones of mortifying yet merited reproach, her sense of shame was severe. The justice of the charge struck her too forcibly for denial; the circumstances he particularly alluded to at the Netherfield ball could not have made a stronger impression on his mind than on hers. The compliment to herself and Jane was not unfelt; it soothed, but could not console her for the contempt thus self-attracted by the rest of her family. And as she considered that Jane’s disappointment had, in fact, been the work of her nearest relations, and reflected how materially the credit of both must be hurt by such impropriety of conduct, she felt depressed beyond anything she had ever known before.
“How despicably have I acted!” she cried, humiliated to have prided herself on discernment while disdaining Jane’s candour and indulging in vanity and blameless distrust. “Had I been in love, I could not have been more wretchedly blind. But vanity, not love, has been my folly.”
After two hours’ wandering, she returned home, resolving to appear cheerful. She learned the Rosings gentlemen had called: Darcy only briefly to take leave, but Colonel Fitzwilliam had sat an hour hoping for her. She could but just affect concern; the Colonel was no longer an object. She could think only of her letter.
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