Feigned Courtship for Miss Sparkle
Withers reveals she is the governess of Sir John Sparkle’s only daughter, having saved a comfortable sufficiency from her position. She confesses that she first noticed the protagonist at church, inquired into his character, found it amiable, and ventured to declare her passion regardless of decorum. The protagonist, although sickened at finding only the crazy casket instead of the jewel, perceives that by feigning an intrigue with the duenna he might gain access to the real Miss Sparkle. Encouraged, he drops his reserve, talks cavalierly, and begins making love to the antiquated coquette, who beams with delight while a discreet matron provides tea and sweetmeats before withdrawing.
Garlic-Fueled Romantic Disaster
Left alone, Miss Withers, still technically a maiden, begins pressing the subject of matrimony with such impatience that, had she been fifty years younger, the protagonist admits he might have obliged her without recourse to the church. He resolves to defer the ceremony as long as possible under specious pretexts in order to become acquainted with Miss Sparkle through her governess. Delighted by this prospect, he talks in raptures to the state governante and kisses her shrivelled hand with great devotion, at which she is so transported that she flings herself upon him like a tigress and presses her skinny lips to his—only for a dose of garlic she had taken that morning to explode with such a sudden stench that he loses all patience and reflection.
Hasty Flight From the Meeting
Unable to endure the garlic-fueled assault, the protagonist flings himself away, snatches his hat and cane, and flees down the stairs as though pursued by the devil, barely able to contain the convulsions of his bowels. Strap, who had been waiting impatiently for his return, sees him arrive in the utmost disorder and stands motionless with apprehension, too alarmed to inquire into the cause of his master’s condition.
End of Withers’ Pursuit
After washing his mouth repeatedly and reviving himself with a glass of wine, the protagonist recounts every detail of what happened to Strap. The old governess is never heard from again, whether because her love turned to disdain at his abrupt departure or because she was too ashamed to face him on account of her infirmity. The protagonist is never again troubled with her passion.
Debriefing Failed Rendezvous with Strap
Strap listens in silence at first, lifting up his eyes, clasping his hands, and uttering a hollow groan, then laments that it is a thousand pities the protagonist’s organs are so delicate as to be offended by the smell of garlic. He adds pointedly that no such odor would give him the least uneasiness, remarking on the advantages of being a cobbler’s son. When the protagonist snaps that Strap is welcome to go and retrieve the miscarriage himself, Strap starts, forces a smile, and leaves the room shaking his head.
KAPITEL L.
The narrator, seeking revenge on Melinda, enlists Billy Chatter and Banter to devise an elaborate scheme for the private assembly: he will pose as a French marquis to dance with Miss Biddy Gripewell, a wealthy heiress of thirty thousand pounds, while a barber disguised as a travel-sharpened gentleman is set up to humiliate Melinda herself. The plan succeeds brilliantly at the ball, where Melinda’s indignation flares at seeing the narrator’s apparent conquest, her fan shattering in fury, while the metamorphosed barber entertains the company with such ridiculous extravagance that his partner, Miss Gripewell, is forced to retire in confusion before the barber himself is exposed, bringing disgrace upon Chatter and ruining the narrator’s credit with the ladies. Reduced to melancholy and approaching want, the narrator takes refuge in drink, the playhouse, and the company of young templars, until a mysterious letter arrives by penny post from an “incognita” who writes in high-flown, poetical terms of love, prompting the narrator to believe he has captured the heart of Miss Sparkle, the beautiful heiress of Sir John Sparkle, whose governess Miss Withers has been facilitating the correspondence. After an exchange of tender epistles and confident hopes, the narrator arrives at the trysting place only to discover that his unknown admirer is not the young beauty he envisioned but Miss Withers herself, a wrinkled woman of seventy whose antiquated coquetries and garlic-breathed endearments drive him from the house in horror and disgust, ending the affair as abruptly as it began.
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